Confirmation
One Thursday night as I got out of the shower I started crying as I shared my concerns with Scott, we both agreed no more “waiting to see if it will change”, it was time for a doctor’s visit. Of course since I had recently moved to the area and was in such great health (yeah right) I did not have local doctors yet, I called my gynecologist in Atlanta, Dr. Anne Wiskind. She recommended I immediately get a baseline mammogram.
This was Friday afternoon; my district manager, auditors and accountant were at the store as our first inventory was taking place the following two days. In the retail world, inventory is a very hectic time, we’ve all seen stores “closed for inventory”, you bet they’re closed; every single item in the store must be accounted for, this requires endless organization and preparation. Also, inventory results are a big indicator as to how well a store is managed. I called Scott and told him that I was trying to find a breast center of sorts to run out and get a mammogram; I was looking for a quick lunch time mammography service. Scott would have none of that and made an urgent request to one of his favorite and best doctors.
Enter Dr. David Shocket, he kindly agreed to see me and refer me to the Washington Hospital Center for Breast Health for my first mammogram that day. Scott picked me up at the store as we drove across town my stomach was in knots.
Getting the mammogram was a bit discomforting, I had small breasts they barely fit on the machine, the mammographer was so nice to me. I was trying to be strong, smile, laugh and tell jokes as I always do, but to her I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. After the mammogram they immediately performed an ultrasound on the breast and lymph nodes, I also can recall the kindness of the technician, and talking about her son’s first camping trip. I tried to chit chat through my fear. As she moved the wand over my lymph nodes I nervously asked what she saw she could only tactfully say, “…an area of concern”.
Enter Dr. Anna Choi, Medical Director, Radiology. She showed me my tumor, my four enlarged lymph nodes and said these words to me, “Kristen, you’re going to have to make a lot of decisions in the next few weeks”. I stood there nodding my head smiling and saying ok, thank you very much, I know, I know, I know. A biopsy was mentioned as merely a confirmation of what we both already knew. I dressed and walked out trying to look pulled together, ha! The front office was empty, everyone had gone home for the day, but Dr. Choi and the technician had stayed late that day to tell me I had breast cancer.
I had not seen Scott or Dr. Shocket for what I think had been about two hours when I walked out of the Center and into the hospital hall. There they were Scott and Dr. Shocket standing there about a mile away it seemed, Scott had his bottom lip tucked under with his sweet gentle eyes looking my way, Dr. Shocket comforting, they knew too. I was smiling through my tears trying my hardest to be pleasant and appreciative of Dr. Shocket, he offered his help, asking if I needed a sedative to get me through the weekend, I politely declined. I shook his hand as I backed away towards the exit, smiling all the while saying I’d be ok. This posturing would later become almost anecdotally described as my “2nd runner up in the Miss America pageant”, … “what I didn’t win, those damn cameras are in my face, national television, expletive, expletive, expletive I’m supposed to be nice right now and smile, be grateful”. But really that’s me and that’s probably the biggest part of me that has helped me get through this. Smile, laugh, keep up appearances and be kind, as often as I could manage.
Driving home with Scott I was having one of those silent gut wrenching tight fisted writhing cries, sounds pretty dramatic I know, but it was. It was late Friday afternoon, it was hot and traffic was heavy. As we crawled through the traffic I remember a female police officer who driving in front of us, stopped her car and came to tap on Scott’s window and ask if I was ok, Scott told her, bad news from the doctor. Scott was quiet yet somehow strong and comforting to me.
During those hours that I contemplated how I would tell my mother, I imagined that I would tell Harry her husband first so that he could be with her when I told her my news. That was my big perfect plan. They were vacationing at the beach and my sister Jennifer and her family were there as well. Jennifer answered the phone; I asked to speak with Harry she told me he was on the beach, so much for my great plan, so I asked for my mother. Why didn’t I tell my sister, because I needed to tell my mother. I lost it when I heard my mother’s voice, I told her everything, and she tried in vain to reassuringly say that we should wait until the biopsy also that she would come right away. I probably talked to her five more times that night; she was being so strong for me though I know she was crushed.
I called my district manager (boss) and told him the news of my mammogram was not good and that I would not be returning that evening to work. Fortunately, we were ready to go for the inventory the next day at 7:00am I told him I would see him then. The following day I worked from 7:00am till who knows when and returned on Sunday to finish inventory and be the first store in our company history to open on the same day as inventory. Our inventory numbers were great.
Imagine my poor boyfriend; he’s dating some girl for five months and boom, breast cancer! Grant it they were five blissful months but really isn’t that asking too much from a young single person these days? Heck there are married couples that don’t have support from one another like Scott and I have. Scott tells me he thought about it for one second and decided he was going to stick with me through it all, that I was worth it. Let me tell you, when he said he was going to be by my side through all this he meant it, literally.
Scott was so sweet and understood that we were dealing with something very bad, though no one seemed to really want to deal with it until the biopsy, wishful thinking is not what I need, I needed cold hard facts. What are we dealing with? At this point it all seemed so unreal, I was not close to thinking about all the fun that was in store for me: biopsies, chemotherapy, mastectomies, radiation, sickness, hair loss, looking horrible, bloating, menopause, acne, all sorts of bathroom issues, breast reconstruction, lethargy, pain, arthritis …oh let me stop , I’m giving away too much of the good stuff.
This was Friday afternoon; my district manager, auditors and accountant were at the store as our first inventory was taking place the following two days. In the retail world, inventory is a very hectic time, we’ve all seen stores “closed for inventory”, you bet they’re closed; every single item in the store must be accounted for, this requires endless organization and preparation. Also, inventory results are a big indicator as to how well a store is managed. I called Scott and told him that I was trying to find a breast center of sorts to run out and get a mammogram; I was looking for a quick lunch time mammography service. Scott would have none of that and made an urgent request to one of his favorite and best doctors.
Enter Dr. David Shocket, he kindly agreed to see me and refer me to the Washington Hospital Center for Breast Health for my first mammogram that day. Scott picked me up at the store as we drove across town my stomach was in knots.
Getting the mammogram was a bit discomforting, I had small breasts they barely fit on the machine, the mammographer was so nice to me. I was trying to be strong, smile, laugh and tell jokes as I always do, but to her I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. After the mammogram they immediately performed an ultrasound on the breast and lymph nodes, I also can recall the kindness of the technician, and talking about her son’s first camping trip. I tried to chit chat through my fear. As she moved the wand over my lymph nodes I nervously asked what she saw she could only tactfully say, “…an area of concern”.
Enter Dr. Anna Choi, Medical Director, Radiology. She showed me my tumor, my four enlarged lymph nodes and said these words to me, “Kristen, you’re going to have to make a lot of decisions in the next few weeks”. I stood there nodding my head smiling and saying ok, thank you very much, I know, I know, I know. A biopsy was mentioned as merely a confirmation of what we both already knew. I dressed and walked out trying to look pulled together, ha! The front office was empty, everyone had gone home for the day, but Dr. Choi and the technician had stayed late that day to tell me I had breast cancer.
I had not seen Scott or Dr. Shocket for what I think had been about two hours when I walked out of the Center and into the hospital hall. There they were Scott and Dr. Shocket standing there about a mile away it seemed, Scott had his bottom lip tucked under with his sweet gentle eyes looking my way, Dr. Shocket comforting, they knew too. I was smiling through my tears trying my hardest to be pleasant and appreciative of Dr. Shocket, he offered his help, asking if I needed a sedative to get me through the weekend, I politely declined. I shook his hand as I backed away towards the exit, smiling all the while saying I’d be ok. This posturing would later become almost anecdotally described as my “2nd runner up in the Miss America pageant”, … “what I didn’t win, those damn cameras are in my face, national television, expletive, expletive, expletive I’m supposed to be nice right now and smile, be grateful”. But really that’s me and that’s probably the biggest part of me that has helped me get through this. Smile, laugh, keep up appearances and be kind, as often as I could manage.
Driving home with Scott I was having one of those silent gut wrenching tight fisted writhing cries, sounds pretty dramatic I know, but it was. It was late Friday afternoon, it was hot and traffic was heavy. As we crawled through the traffic I remember a female police officer who driving in front of us, stopped her car and came to tap on Scott’s window and ask if I was ok, Scott told her, bad news from the doctor. Scott was quiet yet somehow strong and comforting to me.
During those hours that I contemplated how I would tell my mother, I imagined that I would tell Harry her husband first so that he could be with her when I told her my news. That was my big perfect plan. They were vacationing at the beach and my sister Jennifer and her family were there as well. Jennifer answered the phone; I asked to speak with Harry she told me he was on the beach, so much for my great plan, so I asked for my mother. Why didn’t I tell my sister, because I needed to tell my mother. I lost it when I heard my mother’s voice, I told her everything, and she tried in vain to reassuringly say that we should wait until the biopsy also that she would come right away. I probably talked to her five more times that night; she was being so strong for me though I know she was crushed.
I called my district manager (boss) and told him the news of my mammogram was not good and that I would not be returning that evening to work. Fortunately, we were ready to go for the inventory the next day at 7:00am I told him I would see him then. The following day I worked from 7:00am till who knows when and returned on Sunday to finish inventory and be the first store in our company history to open on the same day as inventory. Our inventory numbers were great.
Imagine my poor boyfriend; he’s dating some girl for five months and boom, breast cancer! Grant it they were five blissful months but really isn’t that asking too much from a young single person these days? Heck there are married couples that don’t have support from one another like Scott and I have. Scott tells me he thought about it for one second and decided he was going to stick with me through it all, that I was worth it. Let me tell you, when he said he was going to be by my side through all this he meant it, literally.
Scott was so sweet and understood that we were dealing with something very bad, though no one seemed to really want to deal with it until the biopsy, wishful thinking is not what I need, I needed cold hard facts. What are we dealing with? At this point it all seemed so unreal, I was not close to thinking about all the fun that was in store for me: biopsies, chemotherapy, mastectomies, radiation, sickness, hair loss, looking horrible, bloating, menopause, acne, all sorts of bathroom issues, breast reconstruction, lethargy, pain, arthritis …oh let me stop , I’m giving away too much of the good stuff.
posted by DreamGirl05 @ 8:22 AM
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